My Journal - Week 31 (26Mar10)
This particular journal entry really has more to do with me personally than Hunter, but I feel that it is important to note it for the book.
Recently we have been seeing a fertility doctor to assist us getting pregnant (again), and we did some standard tests. One of the tests was called a HSG (hysterosalpingogram) which is an ultrasound and dye procedure to check for blockages in the uterus, ovaries and tubes. When I was getting it done the tech and doctor doing the test had said everything looked good. When I went this past Tuesday for my results with the fertility doctor, he tells me my tubes are blocked! Really? Are you kidding me? I asked how this could have happened since being pregnant with Hunter, and he tells me I could have gotten an infection from the C-section. Who knows. Anyway, he tells me that 50% of the time the test result is wrong, and asked me if I want to have the more specific hospital test (Laparoscopy) that he usually does after getting a result like this, or if I want the same HSG ultrasound done again in case they made a mistake. (He suggested I do the HSG again since he only does the hospital test once a month, and he just did them the day before on Monday. I agreed because I don't want to delay conception any longer than I have to or it has already been. This is our 4th cycle trying without success. I stopped breastfeeding Hunter so that I could re-start taking my medication for my Pituitary tumour which was the reason I could not conceive initially (that's how we had to get pregnant with Hunter as well) and I was hoping that was the only reason I wasn't getting pregnant for the last 3 months. Now, who knows. Maybe it was that or it could be a blockage if my tubes truly are blocked. The fertility doctor then tells me if the are indeed blocked, our only course of action is IVF (In vitro fertilization). In the United States they do tube opening surgeries - I saw this on the Internet. I don't know if they do not perform them here or if my fertility doctor is just trying to make more money from me.... This news was devastating to me. I researched IVF and aside from the exorbitant cost, it's effectiveness is very low - I don't know if that information was true or not, but I am completely discouraged. I always planned on having more than one child - being an only child myself, I swore I would never do that to my own child. It was a very lonely childhood aside from friends and cousins. Maybe I am worrying for nothing, but in my life things have always been "if it can happen to me, it will" and that literally is and has been the story of my life. I hope that this time "Murphy" wont be the law, and somehow in the wonderful world of hope the results will be positive. Perhaps as we speak I am already pregnant and my worry and fears will be all for not. I don't want to get my hopes up high only to be disappointed, but at the same time I need to be an optimist. That is my true nature. I will always be forever grateful that we have Hunter should I never be able to have any more children, but it is sad none the less to be told that you are no longer capable of creating new life. I certainly believe in fate, and destiny and so I hope that my path is not going to be negative. I just thought it would be prudent to add this to my journal as this definitely is part of our journey and I believe it truly concerns Hunter since it is for him also that we want him to have a sibling.
I will keep everyone updated as we learn more.