My Journal - Week 42 (05Jun10)
I always think to myself, I will only post good things here in my blog. But since this is our story of our journey I realize I must not omit the negative things as they are just as a part of life as the positive.
Today we confirmed (after 3 weeks of ultrasounds and confirmations) that my pregnancy is not viable. There has been no fetal heartbeat after 2 and 1/2 weeks ago. We were hoping for the best and yet expecting the worst. Unfortunately, nothing has changed from the first bit of bad news of not being able to see a heartbeat that was once seen 3 weeks ago and was extremely low. (We were warned back then that this would likely end in a loss but we tried to remain hopeful despite the warning.) We are absolutely devastated and are beside our selves for the most part. But we have a little boy who needs our attention and of course is none the wiser (which is a tiny blessing I suppose).
The saddest thing for me at the moment is that I am unable to give Hunter his sibling that we tried so hard for five months to give him. Hopefully there will be another chance, and it wont take us as long as it did the 2nd time around.
I am scheduled to go the hospital on Monday at 11am, for one last ultrasound (which always is done before any ERPC - Evacuation of Retained Products from Conception). I know that in my heart, things happen for a reason, fate is destiny and what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. But as my one friend said, for what has happened to you in your life time, you should be bullet proof by now.... He wasn't kidding.
I am NOT sorry that I told everyone so early that I was expecting, in fact I am glad I did. I do honestly believe those who know can be my support in this difficult and sad time, and I have had much support from those of you who knew what has been happening in these last three weeks. I am only sorry that we all have to endure this sad news. I wish it were better, and I wish that we didn't have to grieve - but it is a natural process.
We will try again, because we have a goal and that is to make this family complete and to have someone there who will be able to look out for Hunter as he would for them, when we are gone. No one should be alone.
All my thanks and love to those who know and those who have been there.
Sandi, John and Hunter.