My Journal - Week 42 (05Jun10)

Some sad, sad news....

I always think to myself, I will only post good things here in my blog.  But since this is our story of our journey I realize I must not omit the negative things as they are just as a part of life as the positive.

Today we confirmed (after 3 weeks of ultrasounds and confirmations) that my pregnancy is not viable.  There has been no fetal heartbeat after 2 and 1/2 weeks ago.  We were hoping for the best and yet expecting the worst.  Unfortunately, nothing has changed from the first bit of bad news of not being able to see a heartbeat that was once seen 3 weeks ago and was extremely low.  (We were warned back then that this would likely end in a loss but we tried to remain hopeful despite the warning.)  We are absolutely devastated and are beside our selves for the most part.  But we have a little boy who needs our attention and of course is none the wiser (which is a tiny blessing I suppose).

The saddest thing for me at the moment is that I am unable to give Hunter his sibling that we tried so hard for five months to give him.  Hopefully there will be another chance, and it wont take us as long as it did the 2nd time around.

I am scheduled to go the hospital on Monday at 11am, for one last ultrasound (which always is done before any ERPC - Evacuation of Retained Products from Conception).  I know that in my heart, things happen for a reason, fate is destiny and what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.  But as my one friend said, for what has happened to you in your life time, you should be bullet proof by now.... He wasn't kidding.

I am NOT sorry that I told everyone so early that I was expecting, in fact I am glad I did.  I do honestly believe those who know can be my support in this difficult and sad time, and I have had much support from those of you who knew what has been happening in these last three weeks.  I am only sorry that we all have to endure this sad news.  I wish it were better, and I wish that we didn't have to grieve - but it is a natural process.

We will try again, because we have a goal and that is to make this family complete and to have someone there who will be able to look out for Hunter as he would for them, when we are gone.  No one should be alone.

All my thanks and love to those who know and those who have been there.

Sandi, John and Hunter.


  1. I am so sad for you. I know what this meant to you and how hurt you must be. I am praying for you all. You are great parents with hunter and now he will give you the strength to get through this.
    Love you all

  2. There are no words to tell you what I feel in my heart right this moment for you both sweetheart, I know that you have wanted a sibling for Hunter for a long time and after trying so long, it looked like it would happen. I can feel the pain you are feeling and will feel for a long time. You are all in my prayers, in my heart, I love you all so very much, huge hugss honey.. call night or day, I'm here for you sweetie. All my love always, mom (McWade) xoxoxoxooxoxxoxo

  3. So sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

  4. Oh, I am so sorry, I have been here before and there are just no words anyone can say to make you feel any better. Praying for you.

  5. Hi

    I am so sorry for you John and hunter and ur family. I can say as I have been through exactly what you r going thru how difficult and painful this experience is. I want you to believe the words you wrote about next time as both personally and professionally I have seen these miracles occur when we are not my case jaidyn. I know that you are one of the strongest women I know and I am proud as a women and a mom as well as a developmentalist to have the utmost honour to get the opportunity to meet and work with you John and especially that cute and special little man! I know there is nothing that I can do to make things a little easier for you, but know as always you guys are in my heart and my thought. I am out tonight at a function but if you want to talk tomorrow give me a call, I am here for anything you John or Hunter may need. Again thinking of you


  6. Sorry to hear of your loss Sandi. I know it must be very disappointing for you. Hopefully you will succeed in your quest and knowing you, this will only be a temporary set back.
    Good luck and may the pain soon subside.

  7. Sandi so sorry to hear the sad news. A delay in a sibling for Hunter may be better both for Hunter and the new member when it happens again. Right now Hunter needs you a lot. A second infant would demand some of the attention that Hunter needs now. The more Hunter matures the easier it will be to manage his needs. Once walking and talking (age 3 or so) he will likely help you raise the sibling and have an awesome bond.Maybe that's what was meant to happen. Don't rush it. Hunter needs you a lot.

  8. Sandi,
    I'm sorry to hear about your loss. This must be a very emotional time for you and John. Just take some time to grieve. Our thoughts are with you.

  9. Hi Sandi:

    Sorry to hear of your loss. As you said, everything happens for a reason. What is meant to be, will be. In the meantime, I wish you, John and Hunter all the best.

    Take care of yourself.


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