Welcome to Our House - The Analogy ©

Having a baby is special. For some, it’s a lifelong dream, for others, a wonderful surprise. Either way, many of us have thought about taking this journey and whether it’s planned or a pleasant surprise, we all have preconceived ideas about what our child will look and be like. But what if it isn’t what we planned or expected? This is a short story I have written for parents who have or are expecting an exceptionally special child.

Welcome to our House – An analogy

After many months of dreaming, you finally decide it’s time. You are going to build that perfect house of your dreams. You have saved and saved, and now it’s time to put your plan into action. You find a wonderful, perfect piece of land in the city. It’s exactly what you are looking for – because it’s the plan that everyone talks about. You envision the all brick house sitting on luscious green grass, surrounded by a white picket fence. Inside is a marble foyer leading into a family room with beautiful oak hardwood floors. Granite lines the kitchen counter tops and there is an island sink in the middle. Upstairs has four perfect bedrooms and the master bedroom has an ensuite bathroom and an enormous walk-in closet, of course. It’s truly a dream come true, and it’s only a matter of time. You purchase the land and think to yourself, in nine short months, you will have it all.

But suddenly your agent calls to tell you, the land is not properly zoned, and the city has not approved it for building your perfect home. They have instead, given you land in the country, where an old country home sits. You are absolutely devastated, your dreams vanishing right before your eyes. You know you can’t back out now, you need a place to live, and despite it not being what you wanted, you know that somehow you will manage and that you can continue on.

You tell everyone what has happened, and everyone is disappointed, some even offering their condolences. You know that everyone else has a nice city home, and that was what you had planned, but you have to come to terms with the fact that you must learn to live in the country.

You go to see the property every month until closing and something funny happens. You start to fall in love with the place. The air is fresh, it’s peaceful and serene. There’s a pond on the land, and the house, though not a new all brick home, is quaint, and has lots of hidden potential. You soon realize it’s not a awful place, it’s just a different place. It’s slower paced than the city, less noisy and flamboyant, but it’s beautiful none the less. And in the process, you soon realize you may even get to meet some new and wonderful neighbours.

Its closing day and you suddenly find yourself full of anticipation, but you are still a little worried. After all, it isn’t what you had originally hoped for, and the house may need some repairs. But you are determined to accept it, and tackle everything one step at a time. You open the front door, and suddenly you are thrilled with what you see. The house is lovely, and has lots of character. The rooms are smaller but it’s decorated with beautiful attention and detail. The kitchen has marble instead of granite, and the bathroom has a soaker tub instead of a Jacuzzi. There isn’t a walk-in closet in sight, but the rooms all come with an indescribable view. Somehow, you just know that it was always meant to be and that this is now home.

This is my analogy of what it will be like for people who discover that they will be caring for a baby with Down syndrome. For us, it is not a terrible place to be, it is a journey full of surprises, milestones and discovery like any other child. And as the story suggests, sometimes it’s only a matter of ‘point of view’, and surprisingly, once you have been there, you don’t want to be anywhere else. The journey, like all others doesn’t come without some bumps in the road, but once you find your way, it’s all about the place you discovered, in most cases - quite by random chance
Author: Sandi Graham-McWade, Copyright

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Wednesday, June 30, 2010

My Journal - Week 45 (30Jun10)

Lessons and learning for everyone....

I came across a posted message on one of the support boards I frequent and I thought it was an important message that I needed to repost here in my blog.  I modified and added some portions of the content as well as some information in the message.  The original message that this post was meant to address remains primarily the reason I wanted to add it to my blog.

In this journey that John and I have have taken, there are many things we have learned on a personal level and much more that I realize is important to share and pass on so that others have the same opportunity to learn and understand.

I thought it might be helpful to give everyone some information about what language most of us who are parents of children with Down syndrome prefer to hear when referring to our kids.  This is something most of you can carry with you if your child has Down syndrome or not.  And if you didn't know the way we prefer it until now, please don't feel bad or worried if you wrote or have said something that wasn't the way it is written below - many of us did the same thing until someone told us!

Below are tips for the proper use of language for ‘Down syndrome’. The Canadian Down Syndrome Society, National Down syndrome Society and the National Down Syndrome Congress encourages the language below (there is also a link regarding language under my "Welcome to Our House" banner - How to talk about Down syndrome): 

  • Down vs. Down’s. CDSS, NDSS and NDSC use the preferred spelling, Down syndrome, rather than Down’s syndrome. While Down syndrome is listed in many dictionaries with both popular spellings (with or without an apostrophe s), the preferred usage in Canada and the United States is Down syndrome. This is because an “apostrophe s” denotes ownership or possession. Down syndrome is named for the English physician John Langdon Down, who characterized the condition, but did not have it.  Also, the "s" in syndrome is not capitalized for the same reason.
  • People with Down syndrome should always be referred to as people first. Instead of “a Down syndrome child,” it should be “a child with Down syndrome.” Also avoid “Down’s child” and describing the condition as “Down’s,” as in, “He has Down’s.” This seems like a minor distinction, but to many it is like the difference between someone telling you “that dress looks pretty on you.” vs. “you look pretty in that dress”.  The first compliments the dress, the latter is a compliment to you.  The originator of the post had also pointed out, "I really don't like hearing "she is downs" that makes me crazy, (would you ever say "she is cancer?" for a person who has cancer?)"
  • Down syndrome is a condition or a syndrome, not a disease. People with Down syndrome can be perfectly healthy and do not need to be referred to as having a sick child.
  • People “have” Down syndrome, they do not “suffer from” it and are not “afflicted by” it.  
  •  Up until recently it was clinically acceptable to say “mental retardation,” but the term "retardation" is no longer acceptable and has been removed from all medical journals and literature.  We currently use the more acceptable terms such as “cognitive delay/disability,” “cognitive impairment,” "intellectual delay/disability" or intellectual impairment." 
In addition, there is something I have posted time to time on some forums I visit.  I always think to myself, I need to post it into my blog, but I never seem to find an "appropriate" post to add it to.  Today's post seems perfect.

Hunter has not only changed my life, he saved my life.  I say this freely despite being a police officer, despite having a few family members with different special needs.  Hunter is certainly one of those gifts I didn't even know I had ever wanted.  Sometimes it's simply wonderful to embrace unknown gifts.  I often hear, I couldn't do what you do.  But the truth of the matter is, you don't know what you can do or what you are capable of doing until you do it.  What I have also learned is, "choice" is often irrelevant.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

My Journal - Week 45 (27Jun10)

One for you, and one for me!

Yesterday, I forgot to post a new entry about how Aunty Jane brought some fresh strawberries over from the Witamore Farm's specially for Hunter!  You have all seen how much he loves strawberries.  These ones were so fresh and sweet, with plenty of juices!  Hunter was ecstatic!   I wish I had taken some more "Strawberry" pictures, but it would have been so repetitive.  Anyway, you can imagine!

On the Mommy front:
Wednesday, I was in such pain - not only my usual back pains but I was having extreme ovarian pains, (I know that I suffer with cysts so I just figured I was having some cystic pains) I scheduled a "squeezed in" appointment with my family doctor to get some additional pain medication and to ask him if there was anything I could do for the cyst pains.  He prescribed me some anti-inflammatory medication that was to help with the cysts.  The next day, I had a regular follow up appointment with my fertility doctor who hadn't seen me since the D&C surgery.  When I went I told him about how I had the same cystic pains that I had felt since week five of the pregnancy.  It wasn't anything horrendous, but I wanted him to know I was still feeling it, and that I had seen my family doctor about it the day before.  He decided to to a pelvic exam.  Right after he completed it, he announced that he wanted me to go directly to the Emergency Department at the hospital.  He even left the exam room to call the hospital and tell them he was sending me right away.  I was left scratching my head.  He handed me a note to pass on to the ER doctor.  It read, D&C June 7th.  Beta hCG decreasing.  ? Ovarian cyst rupture.  ? Ectopic.  I was really confused.  He suspected an Ectopic pregnancy?  I left his office, and drove home.  I gathered my paperwork (results from the previous ultrasounds which did indicate I had a "corpus luteal cyst" on the 5th of June.  I went to the ER with John.  We sat waiting for 8 hours, until a doctor finally saw me and I asked him to explain what my fertility doctor was worried about.  The ER doctor explained that the concern was not that I was suffering a recent ectopic, but that there was a slight possibility that in my last pregnancy I could have conceived two eggs.  One which implanted, and one which may have not travelled to the uterus, but stayed in the fallopian tubes.  I was floored!  There was a possibility I was having twins?  And this would have been the reason why early on at five weeks, I was thinking that the cystic pains I had then was ectopic pains.  That scare was now justified.  The reason, 11 weeks later I wasn't having a ruptured fallopian tube was that while it may be possible that one was there, it too may have been a fetal demise, just like the one in my uterine cavity.  Wow.  Talk about crazy.  The doctor assured me that if this was the case, I would certainly make medical journals.  I guess so.  He said, it was more likely I was suffering a cystic/rupture.  I have had these before, so it wasn't a scary prospect.  He left us and told us to return in the morning (Friday) for another ultrasound - to confirm cystic or ectopic....
Friday - 12am.  (Note: instead of lower left pains, I woke up in the morning with lower right pains.)  I return to the ER, have my ultrasound and I tell the technician (who clearly was determined to look at my left side) that I am no longer experiencing pains only on my left, they are now on my right.  She does her thing and then tells me I am to go back to the ER and wait to see the doctor - again.... Five more hours, I finally get to see the doctor.  He tells me that he can not confirm an ectopic pregnancy or demise, but I clearly have a large 4.7 cm complex hemorrhagic cyst on the right ovary/adnexal cystic structure.  Wow.  So, he tells me there isn't really anything to be done at this stage, but that it requires follow up and medication.  I leave thinking to myself, all those hours in the ER, when I didn't even want to go!  I was told to go!  Better safe then sorry I always say, but that was about 14 hours of my life that was used up!

Onto some more interesting news with MedHelp:
I am not too sure if I mentioned this, I think the last time I posted anything about MedHelp it was about my becoming Community Leader for the MedHelp Genetics Forum.  I have now been asked to be Community Leader for the MedHelp Children - Special Needs Forum.  I am honoured to be able to do this.  It of course is right in line with the MedHelp Down syndrome and Genetics Forums, and really is quite helpful to be able to watch all of them together.  I am hoping that I can help to build these forums, and provide the help and advice from experience that I have gathered myself and elsewhere.  And of course so love to do.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

My Journal - Week 44 (23Jun10)

Backward CREEPING turning into forward CRAWLING?!

I have such exciting news.  I witnessed the first "actual" movements in crawling FORWARD.  Here's how it all went down:

I am in the kitchen making Hunter's dinner and bottle.  I hear him getting frustrated.  He is sitting down playing with his toys in the family room directly next to the kitchen.  I can see his head from the kitchen counter.  I turn around to put the milk in the warmer.  I hear fussing... I look and he's moved from sitting to his tummy and then hands and knees.  (This isn't new, he's been transitioning from sitting to tummy for some time now, I'd hazard to guess about two months or so).  He's effectively turned himself around, (also something he is a pro at doing) and crawled backward to his play yard.  I look up again, his head is missing so I walk to the couch to watch him.  He's now positioned himself in the play yard completely turned 270 degrees from the sitting position (which is about 3 feet away from the play yard), and now lying on his tummy trying to reach one of the dangling rings hanging from the top of the play yard.  The rings are about three to four inches out of his reach.  (These toys when grabbed or jingled cause the music to turn on.  A feat he mastered shortly after Christmas when he got this play yard from his Aunty Jane).  I laugh to myself thinking, good - something that he wants, it will make him more determined to get at them.  I walk back to the kitchen to warm up his baby food.  I hear grunting and whining.  Sounds like, "Mommy, please move me closer to these toys... I can't reach...."  I yell back to the family room, "Hunter go get the rings, you can do it...." and I go back to warming up his food.  The grunts get louder, almost to a cry now.  I walk over to the couch again, and what do I see?  Hunter up on his hands and knees, babbling to himself.  I call my mother over.  Grandma, come see this.  It was precisely at this moment that I am thinking, he wants those rings so badly that he is probably talking himself into crawling to get to them.  I am convinced he will make the effort.  Grandma and I watch in anticipation.  Hunter is now concentrating so hard on the rings, talking to himself, at this point very quietly.  He is now looking down at his hands and back to the rings.  We continue to watch.  Then it happens.  He stops talking to himself and moves his left knee forward.  I gasp.  Then, he moves his right knee forward.  He cries with delight.  I cry with delight.  I say to my mother, "DID YOU SEE THAT?  YOU SAW THAT RIGHT?"  My mother is laughing and nodding.  Hunter plops down onto his belly and he is now hanging onto the rings for dear life, and babbles to the rings as if to say, "Rings, do you know how hard this was for me to get to you?  I am darned if I let go of you now that I am here....!"
Finally, something I witnessed MYSELF!  A milestone.  I am kicking myself for having my video camera on the table at the other side of the family room (which on most occasions is in the right spot for me to catch those "fly by the seat of my pants" moments) but I had no intentions of walking past or even in Hunter's sight to distract him from this inevitable moment I knew would happen if he thought he was by himself. 

I often comment to people on what seems to be Hunter's thought process.  He is definitely a visual learner, like his Mommy.  But, having said that, Hunter also is like me in other ways.  He wont try something until he has figured it out in his head.  He isn't the type of baby to try and try and try, fail, fail, fail until he gets it right.  He is a determined boy who wants to do it right the first time.  This is such an A-Type personality trait.  A perfectionist.  This is Mommy.  I want to do everything right the first time I do it, or I don't want to do it.  Despite me thinking that this is also Hunter's way, I have witnessed this over and over with him.  But there are consequences to this kind of practice.  It means that since he is only willing to do it when he is able to do it the right way, he probably wont practice it.  And left not to do it for long periods of time make me think he is likely to forget how he did it!  I need to make sure I give him the motivation to do it again.  I guess I need to Break out the Twiggy cat for more motivation!

Tomorrow, I am hoping to see a repeat performance, and I will make sure I have the video camera ready just in case.  Jenn, Hunter's E.I. is scheduled to come visit on Friday.  I would so desperately love for him to show this new trick off to her!  And he has yet to let a surprise like these go unnoticed by his girlfriend Jenn!  Here's hoping he is in the mood to show off once again!

And so here another chapter and milestone, and of course another proud moment for Mommy.  I can't help but brag about this one.  And better yet, Grandma was witness to this wonderful event.

Monday, June 21, 2010

My Journal - Week 44 (21Jun10)

The hairs on Daddy's Chinny chin chin....

Now, I claim that all of Hunter's videos are just so cute, but this was absolutely amazing... Look at his concentration!  Talk about learning and discovery!  I guess when you see that Mommy doesn't have any of these funny looking and feeling hairs on her chin, he has got to be wondering, why does Daddy?!!

I love that Hunter is in this phase of exploration and discovery.  Everything is so fascinating and new.  Do you ever think to yourself, I wish everything in my life seemed so wonderful and new!  How exciting life would be if we could all think this way and laugh with such anticipation when we discovered something new!  I guess I have learned yet another lesson from my son.  Remembering that everything is neat and wonderful, despite already seeing it so many times!

Sunday, June 20, 2010

My Journal - Week 44 (20Jun10)

The grass isn't always greener on the other side....

For Father's Day today, we decided to go to Rotary Park for a fun filled day of sunshine, amusement and food.  It was a great afternoon, and plenty of fun for everyone.  When we got home, we were not only filled with fun and food, but also the "sunshine".  We definitely all needed a bath.  In my infinite wisdom, I figured I could take Hunter into the shower.  A one stop clean up shop.  He loves bathes so why not try the shower?  Well, thinking to my self, we have used the shower massager in the spare bedroom bathroom while Hunter was in the tub on a previous occasion, it shouldn't be too much different - right?  Wrong.  What I failed to realize was that there is an echo in a shower stall....  I suppose if I had of showered him in a regular bathtub shower, he would have been fine.  Once we got into the shower stall, he was just fine for about the first few minutes.  After that, I think the echo in the shower stall scared him.  The tears stared and I had to create an Olympic event of washing and rinsing the baby.  Not fun I tell you.  I called for Daddy to grab Hunter after he was washed and rinsed, and take him out and dry him off.  Once outside of the shower stall, he was a happy guy all over again.  But when Daddy brought him back to see me inside the shower, in the wisdom of thinking, "See?  Mommy's okay in there...." a big pout and quivering bottom lip started all over again.  It took a few minutes of reassurance that Mommy was just fine in there.  The "echo monster" wasn't going to get us.

Back to baby tub for baths - at least for now.

On the Publishing front....
My next book, "I Have Down syndrome, What Does That Mean?" has been submitted to the publisher and is in the production stage.  I am so very happy that this book will be available very soon.  I am told, once the layouts are approved and my proof is approved by me, the printing time should be about three weeks.  How wonderful is that?  I anticipate my book's expected date of release by the end of July.
I will be posting an update in my Sandi's Publications page with the description and summary of this book.  When it is further along, I will be posting the site that it will be available to order from.  If anyone is interested in the meantime and would like to order the book, please do not hesitate to contact me directly.  My contact information can be found through Blogger here under my profile, or you can email me directly at:  tkd73@sympatico.ca

Friday, June 18, 2010

My Journal - Week 43 (18Jun10)

Pictures of progress!!!!

Since Hunter is eating all types and kinds of foods, today I figured I would try and give him some real fruit.  We had bought some strawberries and since I know that Hunter loves all the different types of Organic baby food fruits, I figured a real strawberry should be fun!  And also knowing Hunter now has a total of five teeth, it wouldn't or shouldn't be hard for him to try and bite this soft piece of fruit!

Here is a few photos of Hunter eating his fruit and loving it!

 [Wow!  What is this weird tasting thing?]

 [Well, this isn't bad at all!  In fact I think I like it!]

 [Hummm, What exactly is this thing I am eating?]

 [Ahhh.... You're teasing me!  I like this - what do you call it again?]

 [Yummy, Ummmm Good!  Do you want to have some?]

And one additional picture that was a must have to add in - that had absolutely nothing to do with eating food....

 [Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..... X2]
A rare moment caught on camera.  Grandma was trying to get Hunter to sleep for his afternoon nap, but ended up falling asleep "with" him instead!  How cute is this?

Almost forgot to add the day's pictures of Hunter getting his hair cut professionally (for Uncle Andrew's wedding coming up on the 10th July 2010).  The hair stylist couldn't stop gushing over how happy, patient and good Hunter was with getting his hair cut and clipped!  Here are the four pictures I took with my cellular phone.  I just couldn't resist!  What a handsome baby boy!

[Hummm, this usually happens at home....]

[Did I mention how good I look in this shiny blue car?]

[OMG!  This thing's got a huge steering wheel... can I drive it home?]

[I want that steering wheel!]
  [Why can't I reach it?  Never mind, I look good don't I!?]

Well, that was worth the wait for some new pictures!  And of course, now that his hair is done, he looks OH SO SWEET again!  No more stray curly-q hairs (as the hair stylist says!)!!
Hope you enjoyed these!  Always more to come!

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

My Journal - Week 43 (15Jun10)

This is how we do it....

The last time Jenn (Hunter's E.I. Therapist) came, she suggested we work on Hunter taking some steps, since he seems to be capable of working within a "typical" baby's time frame for milestones.  We learned however that Hunter thinks his hips are a mono unit!  Until he figures out that he can transfer his own weight from one leg to the other, we have been diligently working with Hunter to separate his feet and teach him to take some steps....  And since I have been working with him on this, he has learned that walking can be done using two legs!  Look at him go!!  Nothing is too large of a challenge for this little dude!

So cute!  And so hardworking!  Thanks Jenn!!

My Journal - Week 43 (15Jun10)

Happy 10th Month Hunter!!

Wow, is time ever flying by.  There are moments I look back at all the pictures I have taken and I sigh.  Not because I am unhappy, but because I can't believe where all the time has gone.  Hunter is literally growing up, right before our eyes.  He's doing so much and doing it so well, I couldn't ask for more.  He has surpassed any expectations I may have had, (though we always said we would not put expectations onto Hunter, we would let things happen as they came) and because of that, he has never ceased to amaze me.  I am so proud of this little boy, and I know every mom is proud of their children, but you have to understand, there is an extra level of profoundness and comfort when we look into Hunter's eyes.  Just Saturday, I had three separate people beg me to steal Hunter - if even for a moment!  Each and every day that Hunter is out with me, he makes people coo and smile, and want to kiss every inch of his sweet little face.  I kid you not, he is a genuinely happy baby, who smiles to even the angriest person, - who you know is having a troubling day.  It's like it is some special challenge to him to make people smile again.  It's simply amazing what this child can do to/for people.  I know because I am proof, whenever I am upset, this happy little boy - my little boy, can instantly put a smile on my face and make all my troubles seem to disappear.  He is what I call, "Hunter Therapy" - and it's so very good for me!
Someone once said to me, having a child is the best thing in life you'll ever do.  They were so very right, because when someone asks me, "What's your greatest accomplishment?", I tell them, Hunter is my greatest accomplishment.  He has changed my life, for the better, made me a better person and I know it.  I think for those who are around him, he has changed them also, for the better.

So I can never gloat enough about him, but I will leave some room for a couple of videos we took today.  These were just off hand videos we decided to take, and I tell you, I just know he's going to be one of those kids who always makes you laugh.  Watch and see....

"What goes up, must come down!"  These day's Hunter is pulling himself up to a standing position, and he's certainly having fun doing it!  He has been standing up for a while now, probably more than a few months, but lately he wants you to keep your hands at his side so he can use them to pull himself up!  And it's so much fun to go back down right after!  (He's not tired, this is his new game!)

"I'm an inch worm, watch me go!"  Hunter has been on the verge of crawling (forward) for a while now!  He has demonstrated many times he can go backward, and also his new thing is while up on all fours, he will literally launch himself forward (by rocking and forcing his body forward by throwing himself), just to get where he wants to go - especially if it's just out of reach....  In doing this we have discovered that Twiggy (the cat and his personal guardian) is quite the encouraging item to tempt him to crawl - forward!

I hope these two videos gave you the same laugh or smile it did for us!  I know we can't wait for the next important or funny thing to video!

Thursday, June 10, 2010

My Journal - Week 42 (10Jun10)

One small step for Man, one giant leap for HUNTER....

Yesterday Hunter had his monthly Early Intervention therapy with Jenn.  I have to say, what a wonderful time we had.  Hunter never ceases to amaze me (and Jenn) when she comes.  Would you believe, (we have been helping clap Hunter's hands together for a while now, just for fun) that as soon as she came he decided to clap his hands for her by himself??  The reason this amazes me is because he has never done this yet!  And sure enough, as we have noticed, he loves to show off for Jenn, without prompting.  Up on all fours, trying to crawl for her!  He puts things in his bucket and shows her how independent he is.  Once again, I am floored!
She has pointed out to me yet again that Hunter is definitely in the typical range of development and she is not even using the Ds charts for him.  I am very happy that he is working so hard and it's paying off.  He is such a determined baby, and you can see if something isn't happening for him that he gets frustrated because he wants so badly to do it - like crawl forward (instead of only backward!)  We are working on using his hips to take independent steps.  He may be a bit locked up, because he thinks his hips are one unit!!  On a side note, we have been noticing that Hunter is certainly aware of object permanence, he is very weary if I disappear for a few seconds.  He makes it very obvious that he is displeased if I put him in his Einstein Exersaucer and go to the washroom or kitchen - he yells "Momma!".  I should have realized that it was coming, since he has been searching under the carpets for things (like the floor?!?) lately!

On the teeth front, would you believe Hunter has now five teeth?  Where in the world are these teeth coming from??  Three on top and two on the bottom.... It's quite amazing since I didn't have any till nearly a year old.

On a publishing note:
My book for children with Down syndrome is nearly ready to send off to the publisher.  (Finally).  I have finally received all the illustrations and cover design.  Since I had such a problem with my last publisher, I am changing publishers to a Canadian one, simply to ease pricing.  I will definitely put out a post when this new book, "I have Down syndrome, what does that mean?" will be ready.  I am very excited about this!

Regarding my Forum's on MedHelp:
I have been recently made a Community Leader for the Genetics Community Forum.  I have been the Community Leader for the Down syndrome Community for some time now but I find that many women visit the Genetics forum before the Ds forum, simply because many women are in the prenatal testing stages, and have lots of questions.  I am so very happy to be able to provide answers and assistance.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

My Journal - Week 42 (08Jun10)

The path to healing....

After an extremely long, exhausting, and emotional  day (and night), I am finally home.  I had my appointment with the hospital yesterday (Monday) at 11:00 am and was eventually scheduled for surgery at 10:00 pm at night.  Because of being in the Emergency Department I had to endure a lengthy wait to speak with the on call doctor and I had no choice but to wait. 

I had my moments of clarity and then moments of extreme sadness.  It was certainly one of the more tougher days I have ever had to deal with on a personal level.  In all the time that I was there, waiting to have the surgery, I missed my son so terribly who was at home with Grandma and in great capable hands.  I had never been away from Hunter for 12 hours at a time, and I felt as though I were abandoning him.  I know he didn't feel that way, as he is such a happy-go-lucky boy and enjoyed his time all day with Grandma.  I am sure I suffered more not being with him then he did of me!

John and his Mom (my other mom) stayed with me the entire time.  I had a great support system and in those moments of sadness, they were there - whether to bring me a box of Kleenex or just to have a shoulder to cry on.  Luckily, a few of the staff in the ER had remembered me from previous work occasions (being a Police Officer I had brought many people to their ER, and also from having been a patient there myself over the years some had remembered my happy bubbly personality) which was a nice additional comfort.

In all I am now home and I can finally get on with life as well as begin this mental and physical healing process.  I want to thank everyone for their kind words of support and care.  Without those, I am sure it would be a much more difficult healing process.  I also know to thank my lucky stars that I have my son who remains the light of our lives and has a never ending supply of unconditional love.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

My Journal - Week 42 (05Jun10)

Some sad, sad news....

I always think to myself, I will only post good things here in my blog.  But since this is our story of our journey I realize I must not omit the negative things as they are just as a part of life as the positive.

Today we confirmed (after 3 weeks of ultrasounds and confirmations) that my pregnancy is not viable.  There has been no fetal heartbeat after 2 and 1/2 weeks ago.  We were hoping for the best and yet expecting the worst.  Unfortunately, nothing has changed from the first bit of bad news of not being able to see a heartbeat that was once seen 3 weeks ago and was extremely low.  (We were warned back then that this would likely end in a loss but we tried to remain hopeful despite the warning.)  We are absolutely devastated and are beside our selves for the most part.  But we have a little boy who needs our attention and of course is none the wiser (which is a tiny blessing I suppose).

The saddest thing for me at the moment is that I am unable to give Hunter his sibling that we tried so hard for five months to give him.  Hopefully there will be another chance, and it wont take us as long as it did the 2nd time around.

I am scheduled to go the hospital on Monday at 11am, for one last ultrasound (which always is done before any ERPC - Evacuation of Retained Products from Conception).  I know that in my heart, things happen for a reason, fate is destiny and what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.  But as my one friend said, for what has happened to you in your life time, you should be bullet proof by now.... He wasn't kidding.

I am NOT sorry that I told everyone so early that I was expecting, in fact I am glad I did.  I do honestly believe those who know can be my support in this difficult and sad time, and I have had much support from those of you who knew what has been happening in these last three weeks.  I am only sorry that we all have to endure this sad news.  I wish it were better, and I wish that we didn't have to grieve - but it is a natural process.

We will try again, because we have a goal and that is to make this family complete and to have someone there who will be able to look out for Hunter as he would for them, when we are gone.  No one should be alone.

All my thanks and love to those who know and those who have been there.

Sandi, John and Hunter.
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