My Journal - Week 20 (04Jan10)
I have been totally cigarette free for a year now. Probably for most of you, unless you are or were a smoker, you cannot even fathom how difficult it is to quit smoking. Especially if you have been doing it for a long time like I had been - 19 years. It was not only an addiction, but it was also a habitual and locational problem. I remember the first time I thought I had quit - and I say 'thought' because in my mind I had quit, but in reality I only quit buying my own. I did honestly make the effort, for the first big event in my life - becoming a police officer. Unfortunately, it only lasted for the two years prior to my actually policing, and then once I was out in my own police car stirring up trouble, my old friend found me again.
Now, it isn't as though I didn't know it was bad for me, or that it was cutting my life shorter and shorter, but as they say, some habits are hard to break. I remember seeing some ads on television coaxing me to quit because I had hit my 30th birthday, or because I got married. But the one that really stood out in my mind was, for my first born. It's funny how you wont do things for the good of your own self, or possibly for your family, but for me, knowing that one day I would have to answer to my son: "Mommy, why are you smoking?" practically killed me. I had no proper answer, and it wasn't like I could say, "do as I say, not as I do" - to a child who would be looking to me for guidance. I wanted to be a proper role model for him, even before he was born, not to mention the health risks that everyone was pounding into my head on a daily basis regarding smoking while pregnant. So, just like that I made up my mind I was quitting. Now, making up one's mind, and putting theory into action are two very different things. I had a plan though. When the remainder of my carton of cigarettes was done, I was done.
I wont kid you, it was hard, and I did crave my habitual cigarettes, but the more pregnant I got, the harder it was to actually smoke. (Thank goodness for pregnancy hormones, without the nauseated feeling of actually smoking and feeling sick to my stomach, I might not have actually quit!) So perhaps timing is everything. Maybe it was a number of small things that led me to my victory, but in the end, I have to say - I am proud of myself. What's more is, I really thought I would revert right back to wanting to smoke when I was no longer pregnant, but to this day, I do not want to smoke and I am proud that I am finally done with that part of my life.
I have a feeling that I will be repeating this sentiment until the end of time, "Thank you Hunter, for saving me".
And in future...